tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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