oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
