i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
