very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
