and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
