I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
