I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
