i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
