Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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