Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
