If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
