ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
