Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
