Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
