I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
