I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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