I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
