I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize