just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
