just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
