there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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