Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So. Much. Porn.
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