i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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