Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
