Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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