Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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