i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
