And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
