YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
