Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
