One girl and one boy is just not enough.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
