God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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