my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
