tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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