It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
