is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
