I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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