Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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