make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
