proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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