i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
