what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
