I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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