great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
