Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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