as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
