I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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