Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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