I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
