weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
