he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
