Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
