I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
