I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize