I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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