Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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