Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
