I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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