we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
